


Am I the reason you breathe or am I the reason you cry?

by starry_alien



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not specific time period
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 16:57:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/800995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starry_alien/pseuds/starry_alien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is making his way to the Musain and he knows that in so way he will regret it, but his feet keep moving and he is not more than three blocks to what he thinks is the worst night he’ll ever live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I the reason you breathe or am I the reason you cry?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a couple of months ago and now i'm posting it because why not  
> it's unbetaed, so sorry for any mistake  
> i'm not even a good writer i don't know why i keep posting these things  
> i wish i could say i'm sorry but i am not  
> so there, i hope you like it

He is making his way to the Musain and he knows that in so way he will regret it, but his feet keep moving and he is not more than three blocks to what he thinks is the worst night he’ll ever live.

“Grantaire, what happened this morning? Where have you been?” Jehan’s voice was the first he hears.  
“Jehan, my friend, I had and argument with our fearless leader, like usual” He answers, trying to sound careless and looking at all the others he says “Don’t mind me, I’m just here to have a drink.”  
Everyone keeps doing their things except Jehan. And of course Jehan wouldn’t let the topic drop since he had the pleasure to witness the fight.

“You were crying” he says, and Grantaire can hear the worry in his voice, “You never cried before, not in front of him.”  
“Don’t Jehan, I remember perfectly what happened, but not for long” he says drinking from a glass of wine.  
“Well, drink no more and talk to me, Grantaire, where have you been?” Jehan insist, catching his hands in his.  
“I’ve been around, walking, thinking” he answers to his friend. Just as Courfeyrac appears behind Jehan.  
“And have you been drinking?” he asks.  
“No, I haven’t” and Grantaire’s eyes are serious for once.  
Courfeyrac and Jehan smile, but their features grow grim the second they look up his shoulder where he can feel the soft touch of a hand.  
“May I have a moment with you?” the voice says, and he knows exactly who it is. Grantaire feels panic like waves in his chest; his heart clench and his hand tighten in Jehan’s. He can’t answer, his voice won’t come out. “Grantaire” Enjolras says, and pulls to turn him around.  
Enjolras surely was not expecting to meet those blue eyes so red and exhausted. He was shocked to see how resigned Grantaire looked.  
“Yes” his voice was bitter, he already assumed what is to come, the tiny hope he had was blown that morning. He doesn’t care any more. So he says to himself but, how much will he be able to hold his tears back? He doesn’t know “What do you need, Enjolras?”

Courfeyrac is trying to pull Jehan away, but he saw the panic in his best friend’s eyes. He doesn’t want to leave Grantaire alone.  
“Its okay, Jehan” he says pulling his hand away. “I won’t go away, I’ll go to you when this is done” he assures his friend. When Courfeyrac and Jehan leave, he turns to Enjolras again.  
“Grantaire, about this morning, I really didn’t mean to say those words to you” Enjolras stars but it’s cut off by Grantaire.  
“Look, I don’t need this. You said what you said, and you were right. I know that I am fucked up; I am nothing but a burden. I shouldn’t even have come here; I don’t belong here, or anywhere. I am a drunkard” he says, and somewhere in his dialogue his voice breaks and his eyes fill with tears.  
“Listen to me Grantaire, it’s not like that” Enjolras tries to say, but Grantaire feels anger, he doesn’t want Enjolras’ pity.  
“No, you hear me. I don’t want your sympathy. If you feel guilt then don’t feel it anymore Enjolras, you were right, you are always right.” Grantaire says, and a single tear falls from his eyelids “You speak the truth, and it hurts but it is still what it is. I am what I am. I’m nothing. I am lost.”

He looks around, all his friends are there. Jehan is talking to Courfeyrac, he is so concentrated in what he speaks that he misses the way Courfeyrac eyes shine. Bahorel is teasing Feuilly, like he always does. Bossuet smiles tenderly at Joly who is taking his temperature. Combeferre is reading some medicine book, just because he can. He smiles; trying to remember how many times he witnessed this scene, how many times he felt like he could fit in here, how many times he tried to convince himself that he belong.  
Finally his eyes meet Enjolras. He is serious, and somewhere in his eyes he can find pain. But Grantaire doesn’t want to go that far, or he’ll lose himself again. They stare at each other for minutes. Grantaire, like Icarus, is looking at his sun, adoring what sees. Though he can feel how his soul burns, and all he wants is Apollo to consume him entirely. He let the tears fall because he knows; he knows that soon everything will be nothing but ashes. And Apollo is just there, staring at him with pain and regret in his eyes.

Except that there is also fear. Fear of feelings that Enjolras didn’t know he possessed, feelings that were hidden somewhere in his heart. He does not understand these feelings, and so he fears what is to come.  
“I’ve listened to you, now, will you let me talk?” Enjolras asks, his voice is calm but his eyes gather a horde of feeling that Grantaire can not decipher. “What happened this morning is not different from other times, I lost myself in… in the argument, and I don’t really mean it. Where you really belong is… ”  
“Is not here, I know” Grantaire interrupts Enjolras again “I’ll be on my way” he says dropping his eyes to the floor.  
“Are you not listening to me?” Enjolras voice sounds frustrated “You don’t belong anywhere” Enjolras says; loud enough to make Grantaire look up again “Because you keep running away. Make this place your home. You have friends here” Enjolras grabs his arm and pulls him a little closer and Grantaire feels his skin burn through his shirt “If you are lost, let me find you. You know you… You are infuriating, and I hate when you drink excessively, and I don’t like when you tease my ideals and my cause with your drunken statements. You argue with me when you are so far in your alcohol, and yet you talk like a civilize person and that makes me so mad. I just can’t look at you wasting your life drinking and abandoning yourself, you are capable of so much more, Grantaire. And God knows that there are times when I wish you have never step inside this Café, and that you have never appeared in my life, but here you are. And you are a burden to my cause because… because you make me lose my mind in feelings that I never dreamed to feel. And you…” Enjolras keeps talking and Grantaire is amused, and his heart is rising, and God please don’t let him be dreaming. Enjolras’s eyes are fierce and pleading at the same time. “You are the only one, Grantaire, the only one who makes me feel like this. And it is exasperating, you know? That somehow you… you made your way into me and I was not even aware of it.”

Grantaire can’t find words, his brain unable to process what Enjolras was saying. Something must have gone wrong. Is this Apollo confessing to him? What was he suppose to say? He told Enjolras a thousand times how much he adores him, how he believes in nothing but him. All his friends know that Grantaire is in love with their fearless leader. Because Grantaire never hide his feelings, and even if he tries, he is so easily to read. Like now, Enjolras can see the confusion; he can see the two parts of Grantaire fighting in his mind. The part who tells him that this is real, that there is hope and the other who tells him that he is unworthy and shouldn’t fool himself. Enjolras knows which one will win at the end, but he won’t allow Grantaire doubt, so he pull Grantaire to his chest and buries his free hand in those dark curls which adorn his head and whispers in his ear.  
“From now on you belong with me, to me. And no matter what those little voices in your head say, you already have my heart, you’ve been having it since a long time, I was not even aware, until now”  
“I love you, I always have” is all Grantaire is able to say.  
“I know”

Both of them are aware of his friends’ eyes in awe, staring at them. Yet they couldn’t care less.  
“I love you” Grantaire says, and repeats like a mantra, while tears run down his face. Because his brain can’t process what’s happening but his heart, his poor heart can’t contain all his feels bursting out.

Grantaire was expecting this to be his last time in the Musain. He was ready to abandon everything behind. His fight with Enjolras was one of the worst, and he thought that he was going to be kicked out forever. And if he couldn’t be with his Apollo, then he was ready to end his life, because no life was worth living without the one he love the most.  
Instead he receives all he ever wanted, and of course he is crying his heart out in front of all his friends, but he doesn’t care, because Enjolras is hugging him like his life depends on it, and he is whispering in his ear words of hope, promising him more than he even thought he could have.

Enjolras take him to the back room to his studio, to have some privacy since Grantaire can’t hold his tears back and he feels the urge to drown him in blankets and hug him till he calms down.  
Grantaire thinks while he cries trapped in Enjolras arms, that so unreasonable is life that when he was ready to give up everything he ever hold dear, it decides to give him all he ever wished for. So are the pain and the helplessness that he felt, that when Enjolras grabs his face tenderly with eyes full of adoration and kisses him full in the lips with what he can recognize as love, his heart is aching so deeply in happiness; he feels this is a kind of pain he could get used to.

**Author's Note:**

> (( Thanks for reading you beautiful being, i love you ))


End file.
